


A Link by any other name

by Jess_the_Mess_225



Category: Linked Universe - Fandom, The Legend of Zelda & Related Fandoms
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, what am i even doing?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-08
Updated: 2020-05-08
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:06:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24067831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jess_the_Mess_225/pseuds/Jess_the_Mess_225
Summary: This man just cannot get their names right.
Comments: 16
Kudos: 132





	A Link by any other name

**Author's Note:**

> So this is just crack. That's literally all it is.
> 
> Linked Universe is owned by Jojo!

“MR. SKYWARD. You were present on the night of December 12th, am I correct?” The attorney called out, slamming his hands onto the desk as Sky stared on from the witness stand, absolutely baffled.  
“I… I’m sorry? Mr. Who?” Sky asked, eyeing the strange man in the suit. “I… My name is just Sky, sir.”  
“It is a yes or no question, Mr. Sword. Tell the court exactly what you were doing in the woods that night, and with such a dangerous weapon as well!”  
“I… I was holding the Master Sword. The sword of evil’s bane. It’s not just some weapon.” Sky stated, still confused. “My friends and I were only camping for the night.”  
“So you were illegally camping in the woods near the victim’s home? Quite suspicious, sir.” The attorney mused, pacing in front of the witness stand.  
“Victim? I’m sorry, why were we here again?” The hero asked.

“I would like to call my next witness to the stand! Mr. Ocarina of Time!”

“Your name is Ocarina of Time, correct?”  
“Just Time is fine, sir.” The man stated, eye on the attorney as he paced the floor once more.  
“Alright, Mr. Ocarina. You and your party were present the night of the murder, correct?”  
“Again, it’s just Time, and yes. I suppose you could say we were present. Though we were only staying the night in the woods, we had no idea there was anyone else there.” Time said as the attorney slammed his hands on the desk once more.  
“Mr. Majora! You do not deny you were present, right?”  
“....Are you a real attorney?”  
“I’ll be asking the questions here, Mr. Mask! You’re married to a Mrs. Lon Lon, correct?”  
“I… I’m sorry, what?”  
“Mrs. Lon Lon, owner of the Lon Lon Ranch. She owns the ranch near where you were all staying, as well as illegally selling milk and eggs from her front door?”  
“Now wait just a second!”  
“Mr. Epona, answer the question and calm down, please. Is your wife selling milk illegally?”  
“WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH THE MURDER?!”

“Our next witness is a Mr. Hyrule Warriors.”

“Mr. Hyrule, correct?”  
“Yes?” A fluffy-haired boy nearby asked.  
“Not you. Mr. Hyrule is the one with the scarf, but we will get to you.” The man said, turning to Warriors. “Mr. Definitive Edition.”  
“I’m sorry, what?”  
“Hyrule Warriors Definitive Edition, that is your name, correct?”  
“I- What- NO!”  
“Mr. Legends! Please!”  
“THAT’S NOT MY NAME! NONE OF THOSE ARE MY NAME!” Warriors cried out.  
“Yeah! That’s my name!” Legend chimed in.  
“ORDER! ORDER IN THE COURT! ANYONE WHO CONTINUES TO DISRUPT THIS COURT WILL BE ESCORTED OUT!”

The heroes fell silent. 

“Ahem… As I was saying, sir, were you and your party present the night of the murder?”  
“Sure, whatever.”  
“And you were camping beside the victim’s home?”  
“Yeah.”  
“So tell me, Mr. Linkle-”  
“OH HELL NO! THAT IS NOT MY FUCKING NAME!”  
“BAILIFF! ESCORT MR. DYNASTY OUT OF THIS COURTROOM!”

“I would like to call Mr. Twilight Princess to the stand.”

“Mr. Princess, how are you doing today?”  
“Nope. Nope. Fuck this. Nope.” The hero stated, standing and walking to the door.  
“SOMEONE STOP HIM!”  
“THAT’S MY BOY!” Time shouted from the other end of the room.

“Mr… Mr. Bingo, I must ask that you not try to leave while you are being questioned.”  
“...Bingo?”  
“Sir, I need you to answer my questions as the rest of your party will not. Please testify to the court what your party was up to during the murder.”  
“Uh… Sure. So Warriors and Legend were bickering as usual, while Wild was cooking our dinner. I was… Uh…. Keeping watch, and making sure no monsters snuck up on us.”  
“So you were the only one not present with the rest of the party?”  
“I was nearby, I was the lookout for the night.”  
“The police say that there was a wolf with your party as well, but it ran off just before their arrests, do you know what it was doing there?”  
“I… I’ve never met the wolf, but I know that it hangs around us a lot. It always seems to show up while I’m on patrol.”  
“So, Mr. McDonald, you were not with your party at the time of arrest, but arrived shortly after?”  
“Correct.”  
“Mr. John Deere, am I to assume that you committed the murder?”  
“I… What? What the fuck is a John Deere?”

“Our next witness is a Mr. Waker.”  
“Mr. Who?”  
“You, son, you’re Mr. Wind Waker.”  
“...No one has ever called me Mister before…”  
“So, Mr. Tracks, you were accompanying this group of adults for what reason?”  
“Huh? Are you telling me I’m too young to fight?!”  
“Child, I am only stating that it is dangerous for a boy your age to-”  
“I’LL FUCKING TAKE YOUR KNEECAPS!”  
“Jesus fuck- Someone calm this small gremlin!”  
“I’M OLD ENOUGH TO FIGHT! I’VE SAVED THE KINGDOM MULTIPLE TIMES! I’M A DAMN PIRATE FOR FUCK’S SAKE!”  
“MR. TETRA! PLEASE!”  
“....The fuck did you just call me?”  
“Uh-”  
“THE FUCK DID YOU JUST CALL ME!?” Wind launched from his seat, latching onto the poor attorney and biting him harshly.  
“BAILIFF!”

“Our…. Our next witness is… Ow… Our next witness is a Mr. Legend of Zelda…” 

“Yo.”  
“Witness… Please…. Please testify to the court what you and your party were doing in the woods the night of the murder…”  
“Sure, so Warriors and I were arguing as usual, but he wouldn’t admit that I was right, as usual, so it got a bit out of hand and the old man had to break us up, as usual. Wild was doing something, I don’t know, while Four and Wind were doing some gremlin shit.”  
“So, Mr. Of Zelda, if I am correct, your story is very similar to Mr. Princess’s story.”  
“...I’m sorry, what did you call me?”  
“Mr. Awakening, please, there’s no need to go feral as your friend had…”  
“DO I LOOK LIKE A ‘OF ZELDA’ TO YOU!?”  
“Mr. Oracle, please!”  
“I AM LEGEND, BITCH! I AM THE HERO OF LEGEND! DO I LOOK LIKE AN ORACLE OR OF ZELDA?!”  
“MR. RAVIO! PLEASE!”  
“OF FUCK NO!”  
“SOMEONE GET THE BAILIFF IN HERE AGAIN!”  
“Sir, the Bailiff has left for the day, I believe he went to the hospital. Something about a scarf and being bitten by a Mr. Spongebob. He thinks he needs a rabies shot.”  
“NEXT WITNESS! PLEASE! BEFORE THIS ONE KILLS ME!”  
“DAMN STRAIGHT I’M GOING TO KILL YOU! NO ONE CALLS ME RAVIO AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!”

“Way to go Wind,” Warriors grumbled, glaring at the wall across from him. He had never predicted the young hero would go that far.  
“Hey! You gave me the scarf! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to!” The boy complained loudly.  
“I gave you my scarf for comfort! Not to tie the man up!”  
“Shut up! You totally implied it!”  
“I did not! Now we’ve got to wait for bail!”  
“You were supposed to help me! How am I supposed to carry a man that big on my own!? You’re my teammate!”  
“BULLSHIT!”

“Our next witness is another Mr. Legend of Zelda. Though this one has the surname Adventure of Link….”  
“I… I suppose you mean me?” Hyrule asked.  
“Yes, Mr. Legend.”  
“Uh… Legend’s the one who just left in handcuffs. I’m Hyrule.”  
“Nonsense, Mr. Adventure.”  
“You know what? I’ll take it.”  
“So, Mr. Zelda, did you ever come into contact with the victim before or after the murder?”  
“Mr… Zelda?”  
“Yes, Mr. Zelda II, please testify to the court about what you’ve seen.”  
“I… You know what, sure. This can’t be any worse than what the others went through.”

“May I call my next witness, Mr. Four Sword to the stand.”

Four couldn’t see over the podium.

“Can someone please find a box, or a stool for Mr. Sword to stand on? I’m sure we have something around here to help him.”

Four could now see a few inches over the podium.

“Mr. Minish, you are a blacksmith, correct? Can you please explain to our court why your party had so many weapons with you.”  
“....How do you know what a Minish is?”  
“I’m the one asking the questions, Mr. Cappy. Please testify.”  
“WHO ARE YOU!?”  
“MR. FOUR SWORDS ADVENTURES! I must ask you to please testify or we shall have you removed from the court as well.”  
“....Just me? Or all of me?” Four said, reaching for the four sword.  
“NO!” The other heroes cried out.

“Our final witness today is a Mr. Breath of the Wild. Please take the stand.”

“Mr. Breath of the Wild, can I call you Wild?”  
“OH FOR THE LOVE OF HYLIA, YES!”

Hours passed with Legend, Warriors, and Wind in their little holding cell. Two of the three were pleased with themselves, happy with the damage they had caused, while Warriors just wanted out of the jail cell.  
“I take it you are Mrs. Ranch?”  
“Yes. Yes I am.”  
“Mrs. Talon, are these your boys?”  
“Yes, sir. Yes, those are my boys.”  
“MALON!” Wind grinned as the woman approached with the bandaged bailiff.  
“Alright, Mrs. Time, we thank you for posting bail, keep your boys out of trouble now.”  
“Of course.”  
“And… Try to get that one vaccinated, I think he’s got rabies...”

END!


End file.
